i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
