we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
