Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize