and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
