My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
