I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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