Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
