My entire life is one complicated drinking game
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
