I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
