I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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