Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
