And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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