I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Randomize
