Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
