i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
