Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
