I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
wanna go halves on a baby?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
