is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
dude. I can hear the air.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
