maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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