If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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