I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize