I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
