Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
