my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
