You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
BRING THE BAGELS
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Randomize
