Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
