She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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