did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
