Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
