Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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