Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
