I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
