Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
