My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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