i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
