the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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