omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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