I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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