I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I can't trust your balls anymore.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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