That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
