maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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