I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
So apparently I’m into choking now
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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