wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
