If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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