I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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