i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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