So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
