life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
