y did u give ur computer a hand job?
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Randomize