I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
