I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
