in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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