Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Randomize
