Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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