He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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