My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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