Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize