my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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