the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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