I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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