Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
then he tried to convert me to islam
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
