I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize