I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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