I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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