Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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