you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
