I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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