Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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