I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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