it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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