God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
